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| i have no one here. i have my family...
but right now i feel so estranged from them that i fear i am slipping back to that void.
is the sadness taking over?
tomorrow will come... or well is here....
and i will have to function like normal.. go to work...
wait for ..... anything so that the day will fade to a very dismal distraction.
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| i don't know if i should write here tonight.
i always say... lately, i've been reading through my posts...
but tonight i really went deep into what i talked about. my addiction... my friends... my allan....
and i've speant the last three hours crying like a baby.
this is the first time in four years that i've felt something... well.. sadness... real sadness for the things lost. but it is easy to say things... when it doesn't mean people. i lost a person. a real person.. whom i pushed away so far that he killed himself.
i realize through all my writings that i never held anyting back. i was very honest... well at least as i knew... i mean i read it now, and i think.. uh malia... delusion... but either way...
im still in the same place. sitting in front of a screen... feeling.. but not wanting to... and just writing.
but who listens anymore? does it matter? it seems as though it does. hasn't it always?
im just so sad right now.
and i do want to write here...even though it has been so long. because this is where most of it happened. i had this plan to start a new blog... where i focused on past things with new ideas, but i am realizing that i haven't really changed that much. the ideas are still the same.. me being negative.. wanting to change but never realizing that i am... that i have, never giving myself enough credit.
allan.
god.
i.
miss.
you.
maybe im just lonely.
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| Listening to the album Three Imaginary Boys takes me back to Xanga daze when I used to write. Maybe it was the weed. I dunno. It's so funny getting sucked in to my past. Actually, recently I have truly began to let it go. Of course, you have to dwell once in awhile. I don't care what anyone says.. your past is who you were, and who you were is now who you are.
Christmas is approaching and I am so happy to be spending it with my family. I love them so much.
I hope this finds you all with so many blessings to you and yours...
Much Love,
perfectdrug
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| I'm finally writing again. Oh how it flows. But what to write about? Enough about drugs, ah, that just makes me jones. *giggles* Tay, do you still read this? I love you!
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| Arrrrrggghhh.. reading these blogs that i have written is so damn aggravating. To tell you the truth i absolutely adore myself. And at the same time i cringe at what i dared to say. No wonder some of them wanted to slap me. Not only that but the damn memories. It’s seriously like a time line of my life. Of the horrible agony i faced here with Xanga. The beginning of the drug use, to the full extent of the paranoia and then all the sudden nothing. There is absolutely nothing to say. That is frustrating because my life ended once i became addicted to that damn drug. Recovery is great, but essentially what you were no longer exists. Can you replace it... sure... but what with? A copied version of your soul, a new upgrade. Somehow you still lose that rawness. And who the hell is listening. Now, Xanga is all updated and there are so many options i don’t have the patience to sit here and poke and prod at all the bells and whistles. No, to be precise i don't have the dope to make me sit in front of a computer for sixty two hours straight clicking and clicking and clicking.
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